One-Shot (15/06/10)

Originally, I started this post off with the title "One-Shot (15/06/10) - Farewell Mach 1 One-Shot There Will Be Tears Mondo Deluxe Edition Collector's Edition." Make of that what you will. Then, I realized I couldn't in good conscience write about the subject I wanted to write about and give it that title. It wouldn't convey the right tone.

Then I reconsidered.

Kinda.

If I treat a very serious subject very seriously there's a good chance - a very good chance - you'll read it and feel the desired "serious" emotions (guilt/sympathy/etc) and that resonance will last for a short space of time. If I include that poor joke and you read it before I get to something truly heartbreaking, my hope is that the juxtaposition will make the impact all the greater. And it needs to be greater. Why? That's why.

Whatever your politics or background, I hope we can all agree this is a truly harrowing event made more harrowing by the fact that only now, 38 years after the murder - yes, murder - of innocent people in Derry, an apology has been made.

While appreciated, an apology can't bring those victims back to life. Or any of the other innocents killed, traumatized, or disadvantaged in some way by despicable individuals not just on Irish soil, but across the globe.

Congratulations to those who were vindicated today. And full marks to Cameron for having the nerve to make an apology of that magnitude on behalf of other, lesser men... who couldn't even admit to their own wrongdoing and apologize for themselves.

By the way, if you don't find the idea of the term "justified killing" problematic in and of itself, you're reading the wrong blog.

One-Shot (14/06/10)

When I missed yesterday's One-Shot (sorry about that, by the way) because of the one-two punch of work and Tegan and Sara - so more of a punch/kiss combo, really - I realized something. Something I've been toying with for some time now. For a myriad of reasons.

The One-Shot is no more. Well, not no more. The One-Shot is being retired... re-branded. No longer will it come once a day and bring news of sporting results no one but me cares about. After I post yesterday's belated entry (the one you're reading right now. The one with these very words) and today's, it's One-Shot 2.0, baby. As and when I feel like 'em.

The reason for this is not nearly as convenience related as that sounded. I felt that a Twitter-esque feature would provide extra incentive to blog; now that we have a Twitter I enjoy using, the feature feels redundant. Simply put, the very thing I created to improve the blog has undeniably hurt it. To atone for this, I'm attempting to get back to what made this blog "great." By great, I, of course, mean "readable." Hopefully.

PENULTIMATE ONE-SHOT BEGINS!

As I alluded to above in the meta pre-amble, I went to see Tegan and Sara yesterday. The gig was very good, even though the pop pixie combo slagged off Belfast's "freezing" summer weather and largely ignored their early material. However, the last few days have seen me thrilling to the beat of a different drum. And guitar. The guitar and drum combo Japandroids, to be specific. Give 'em a go right here. And here. Not to mention there.

See ya soon for the last ever One-Shot... 1.0. Tissues available from all good chemists/newsagents.

One-Shot (13/06/10)

This was perfect Sunday night entertainment. Yes, Australia weren't great... but you can only beat who's put in front of you and Germany did that very well tonight.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other really. They set their stall out well early on. It's a game of two halves...

This concludes Ian's football cliché broadcast for today. Be sure to come back soon. I plan to outline my radical "scoring more goals than the opposition is the key to victory" theory in the coming days.

One-Shot (12/06/10)

Unlucky, Yanks. But for the woodwork, you'd have been three points to the good there tonight.

In case you haven't noticed, WORLD CUP FEVER!!! is sweeping through (one half of) Back-Talk Towers. Expect more Tweets no-one wants. Enjoy!

One-Shot (11/06/10)

Celebrate! Good times... come on, eh?

One-Shot (10/06/10)

I have more in common with Tegan (interest in Metric albums, letting someone else speak instead of speaking myself) but am more attracted to Sara. I am conflicted.

Thanks for the link, Ellie!

One-Shot (09/06/10)

Some people want you to be concise, but they don't like it when you don't elaborate. Some people don't know what they want.

One-Shot (08/06/10)

I am high on this chick right now. And as high on lame puns as ever, apparently.

One-Shot (07/06/10)

I sorta wish to party with this man.

One-Shot (06/06/10)

This is so beautiful it hurts remembering it won't be seen on the pitch in South Africa this summer. Where it belongs.

I realize me dedicating a One-Shot to the new Northern Ireland top is exactly the kind of thing that keeps this blog the obscurest of the obscure. I realize and don't care. It's too gorgeous not to be brought to your attention.

One-Shot (05/06/10)

Christophe always jokes about me preferring Conan O'Brien/ other American talk-show hosts to their British counterparts... to which I say "because they're better."

One-Shot (04/06/10)

Decent.

Also, new Back-Talk!

"Episode Thirty Nine: Time Craic - Part One"

Chris and Ian offer a glimpse of what life on the other side of the mic is like, by commentating on the “art” of podcasting for about twenty minutes. Privacy during “toilet time” is a good thing. If you went back in time, would it be easier to convince people from the distant past of your sincerity than it would people from last week? Ancient floozies mean more to Christophe than Ian does. There’s no time machine like a magical carton of cigarettes.

Awesome track "Goodbye Jason" by Green.

One-Shot (03/06/10)

If you want to know how morally suspect a lot of people are, ask them about piracy and watch them defend it as though it were pouring milk into a cup of coffee. Or eating scrambled eggs and pancakes with raisins in 'em.

What? Just me?

One-Shot (02/06/10)

If you aren't already doing so, you should start following Patrick Kielty's Twitter.

Exhibit A:
Restaurant tonight in Ireland. Waitress "We have 4 veg this evening - Boiled potatoes, mash, garlic wedges or chips."

Exhibit B:
Note to Israeli Special Forces - I've seen worse provocation on the ferry back to Belfast after an Old Firm Game.

Exhibit C:
9.15am. Glasgow Airport. Dozen men in bar with kilts and T shirts "Gynaecologist at your Cervix" Must be a smear test conference in Ibiza.

and let's not forget this election classic...

Have voted for the first time outside Northern Ireland - just not the same fun without armed soldiers guarding the polling station.

It's so funny, in fact, that it's worth signing up to Twitter just to follow.

One-Shot (01/06/10)

Not much to report today, so I'll remind you once again to listen to this podcast.

One-Shot (31/05/10)

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is far and away my most anticipated movie of the year. Click on the red words in the sentence before this to find out why (it's a cor-ker!!!)

The first person to identify the joke above gets my respect.

One-Shot (30/05/10)

Bought tickets for Tegan and Sara and the Get Up Kids today.

One-Shot (29/05/10)

It's international "Hug a Bassist" day, according to Jimmy Eat World. Not that you would've known it by all the non-hugs taking place around my person.

One-Shot (28/05/10)

Every so often I read a blog post and feel bad for neglecting my own so much over the last year. Popping back in sporadically with a thousand words or so on The Irish Question isn't what you fine people deserve. "Fine-Toothed Coombs: A Blog" is often the catalyst for such thoughts. Imagine an observational stand-up style blog with an eye to the cinema written by Greg Dulli, with all the alcohol references that would entail, but 100% more self-deprecation and even more cynical charm. Keep up the good work, Devin!

You could also do a lot worse than to check out some of the other blogs available from CHUD. Quality ain't exactly in short supply there.

One-Shot (27/05/10)

If World Cup success were determined by kit excellence, the Netherlands would be holding the boat in South Africa this summer.

One-Shot (26/05/10)

The chance to announce this gives me more pleasure than a never-ending bowl of Honey Waffles served by a single Isla Fisher clone.

"Rock-Talk: Dr. Kawashima's Groin Training"

The Back-Talk special over 40 episodes in the making… Christophe and Ian are joined by mutual friends/band-mates David “David Neild” Neild and Daniel “I hate Scousers” O’Connor! The gang assesses the relevance of bathroom attendants and acceptable tipping etiquette on both sides of the Atlantic. Bostonian cab drivers can be funny, but also dangerous. Sometimes, university is wonderful in spite of being part of a small “intellectual student elite.” Sometimes, university is wonderful because of that.

Tags:

• "Doing the Egyptian"
• America Loves Cheese
• Bawstawn
• Nasal Sex
• Tuck Shop in a Toilet
• "You must be from London."

Score: "Snyper Scowp" [live] by i:Force (yeaaaaaah!)

Hope you enjoy.

One-Shot (25/05/10)

On the day Conan O'Brien celebrates the arrival of his 1,000,000th Twitter follower, we celebrate our 12th (including Broken Social Scene!)

See you tomorrow when I fully expect to make a glib remark about how we dropped 2 followers within 24 hours.

One-Shot (24/05/10)

As long as this man's Tweets can cheer you up, you're alright. Every one of them proves why shorthand isn't just about working within Twitter's character constraints; it's about taking language to strange, often awesome places.

One-Shot (23/05/10)

It Isn't Always Sunny In Northern Ireland, but That Just Makes You Appreciate It All The More If It Is.

One-Shot (22/05/10)

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." ~Mother Teresa.

Judging someone doesn't preclude the ability to love them, though.

@ quotegarden.

One-Shot (21/05/10)

"They say the only thing worse than a CD tower
is a DVD tower
no matter how many ’special editions’ u have
u might never be a special edition of a human."

Wisdom pearl [via Hipster Runoff.]

Kinda wanna start an indie loungecore band now called Wisdom Pearls. No, there's no "the" at the start. Wisdom pearls need no preface.

One-Shot (20/05/10)

"How To Lose A Follower In One Easy Step."
By Empire Magazine's Twitter.

Tweet "Struggling to remember a single thing Megan Fox said or did in Transformers 2."

I'm not the kind of guy who has a Megan Fox poster, but even I remember she spent most of that debacle snaking her form around motorcycles and shouting "SAAAAAAAAAMM!!!!" as loud as humanly possible at Yer Man From Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

One-Shot (19/05/10)

I love a good relaxed interview. This is actually enough to make me wanna see Survival of the Dead. And Diary... (something I never thought I'd say.)

One-Shot (18/05/10)

Kenneth Branagh looks quite a lot like Michael Collins.

Back-Talk Bulletin

Episode Thirty Eight: "License to Douche"

Ian “I love The Cribs” Pratt lavishes praise and a fair amount of air-time on The Cribs. Christophe “I would rather listen to Limp Bizkit” Entressengle hates Franz Ferdinand. Irish politics = bumpkinism? Everyone from northern England is a “pig farmer?” In a turn of events best described as unsurprising, more stories about girls and nights out unfold.

Music by The Lucky Nightsticks.

One-Shot (17/05/10)

The show that's fast becoming a weekly highlight: Tell 'Em, Steve-Dave, "Episode Twelve: Makin' Hay." It's worth listening to for Bry's hilarious impressions of Q's New York accent alone.

One-Shot (16/05/10)

I hereby impose a moratorium on songs detailing a "fall" of some description. No more "if I fall", "so we fall", or any variations thereof.

And no more pleas to a mysterious "baby" to prevent further falling either.

One-Shot (15/05/10)

If I may employ an internet term, "never forget."

One-Shot (14/05/10)

Ellie Goulding is many things. She's teeny. She's English-sounding in a natural way. She's got a knack for getting stuck in your head. She's a sexy dancer. She's all of the above in the video for "Guns and Horses."

One-Shot (13/05/10)

Karen Gillan is gloriously hot, but I still don't feel like watching Doctor Who. Cause for celebration or cause for concern?

Sorry this was late, by the way. When booze interferes, I feel obliged to atone with a redhead.

One-Shot (12/05/10)

Rambo's retirement suddenly seems more palatable.

One-Shot (11/05/10)

Here's the deal. I've been busier than get out this last while. The last thing I want to do to this blog is let it descend into a thesaurus for "I'm tired" so, instead, I'm going to use today's One-Shot to continue my extended pimping of The Cribs. The better to "force" my music choices on Chris and, by extension, you (if you're not Chris.)

Behold, the video that first brought them to my attention, "Men's Needs!"

One-Shot (10/05/10)

Back-Talk presents...

Episode Thirty Seven: "Liberal Yahoos 'r Us"

When Chris starts a story with “I was out the other night…”, “I was smoking as I usually do…”‘, or “I met this chick the other night…”, you know you’re onto a winner. When Chris starts off a story with all of the above, a very special Back-Talk’s in the making. The perils of sneaking a woman almost twice your age into your parents’ house and post-coital interruptions follow. Snickering ensues.

Episode Tags:

* Chris the Cougar Layer
* Double-Down
* Sleepover Security Screening
* "There We Are."

One-Shot (09/05/10)

My latest CHUD DVD review in which I am rather kind on a silly but fun movie called Kill Theory.

One-Shot (08/05/10)

Oh, Tell 'Em Steve Dave!, how I love thee.

One-Shot (07/05/10)

One serious late pass coming up today, folks.

Falling for the Cribs is a win-win situation. They don't confuse you, they're there how and when you want them to be, and they're fun to think about all the time.

Incidentally, this clip for "We Share The Same Skies" is a perfect blend of video and song that's all-too-rare, particularly in indie-rock.

One-Shot (05/05/10)

Is Laura Veirs the perfect onscreen love-interest for Ian in Hyphenated: The Back-Talk Movie? If she remember meeting Chris and myself at Night & Day Café...

One-Shot (04/05/10)

Bleed American by Jimmy Eat World is a fantastic album, but particularly enjoyable if you've not listened to it in ages.

One-Shot (03/05/10)

Another day of working, feeling down, and not much else can mean only one thing: a brief, late (sorry) and probably avoided One-Shot. Enjoy!

On a writerly level, I agree with Rambo's retirement. On the level that makes me want to see excessive destruction of the human form on the silver screen, this saddens me.

Via: CHUD, where funny news lives.

One-Shot (02/05/10)

I know it's not over 'til it's over... but it sure feels like it's over.

One-Shot (01/05/10)

The poster for Grown Ups erases much of the goodwill Adam Sandler regained with Funny People.

One-Shot (30/04/10)

How through being cool helped me through a truly woeful day.

IN-JOKE ONLY TWO PEOPLE (AT MOST) WILL APPRECIATE: this is how I imagine 10% of i:Force videos to look.

One-Shot (29/04/10)

In this symphony of wrong, I'm the one beating the gong.

One-Shot (28/04/10)

Back-pedaling is bad. Back-pedaling with little-to-no regard for one's self respect is worse.

Pichaz (27/04/10)

The search is over.*

* If you got that joke, I'm so glad you found this place.

One-Shot (27/04/10)

Back-Talk, "Episode Thirty Six: Christophe's Bourgeois Handbook for Sophisticated Living."

Ian frames life through the prism of Swingers, casting himself as John Favreau and Christophe as Vince Vaughn. Chris, however, offers a different take. More thinly veiled romantic stories. More self-doubt. No Jay Mohr.

One-Shot (26/04/10)

Nothing like a productive lunch.*

* Click to embiggen (and further emblur.)

One-Shot (25/04/10)

I like to think of myself as a fairly tolerant guy. I don't aimlessly poke holes in others' happiness. Even when it comes to sports - an arena as synonymous with schadenfreude as high school - I'm not the goading kind. I don't even begrudge the superior home nations success in international football, something many of my fellow countrymen cannot say. However, this advert irritates me. It's cheap, it's tacky, it's everything that rubs me up the wrong way about White Van Man's "England expects" attitude.

One-Shot (24/04/10)

Rising to the occasion: delivering when necessary; grace under pressure; showing balls in the face of great difficulty.

One-Shot (23/04/10)

Sorry about the delay. Drinking.

On paper, the idea of Zooey prancing around thusly is a home-run. On-screen, it's little more than a well-shot slice of shrug.

One-Shot (22/04/10)

I have so much time for Christophe that I'd happily do everything in my power to get him and the second "Librarian Who Listens to Hüsker Dü Chic Chick" in from the left together. He's my boy, see?

One-Shot (21/04/10)

Let's go crazy!

I hope to some day wail on Christophe's Magneto using Spider-Man, with the aid of this game.

One-Shot (20/04/10)

Electro? Lenin? Dissident Republicans? All of the above?

Please, let it be all of the above.

One-Shot (19/04/10)

It had to happen sooner or later. Back-Talk's fourth special, "Gay-Talk: You Had Me At Wifeoid", lives!

Back-Talk’s position within the gay community is contextualized. Ian calls “dibs” on Tina Fey. Meanwhile, Christophe is not above hitting on lesbians. If Ian doesn’t turn up to your fancy dress party in a costume, there’s probably a reason for that.

The last ten minutes or so of this conversation take a turn that brings new meaning to the word unprecedented.

One-Shot (18/04/10)

I feel like kind of a podcast traitor. There's a new SModcast, but I haven't listened to it yet. Why? I've been listening to Tell 'Em Steve Dave!'s latest, "#8: 'Party' In The USA Part 1."

By the way, I got a voicemail from Christophe this morning saying "we must Back-Talk." That's my Sunday night sorted, then! Awesome.

One-Shot (17/04/10)

Christophe of Back-Talk out-pimps Alec Baldwin, thanks to the one-two punch of poetic profanities and Gallic flair. I know I've already linked to this episode, but, the more I think about it, the more I must insist you listen to it now. Even if you've already done so. Chris is funny.

As far as news goes, this was pretty good to come home to today. I'm sure, at this point, the non-sports fans amongst you will know without even clicking on that where it's heading, so I'll save you the sigh. Manchester United beat their local "rivals" City 1-0. This is a good thing.

One-Shot (16/04/10)

I might still review the excellent Kick-Ass. If I don't, though, this pretty much says it all.

One-Shot (15/04/10)

Tell 'Em, Steve-Dave #7: "'Board' of Education." Brilliant.

One-Shot (14/04/10)

I see no harm in this potential appointment.

One-Shot (13/04/10)

After seeing the delightful Kick-Ass, the idea of a British Spider-Man doesn't bother me quite so much anymore.

One-Shot (12/04/10)

Back-Talk presents... "Episode Thirty Five: Crisis on Infinite Christopheses"

Christophe and Ian amuse themselves in the very worst corners of the Star Wars universe, fashion some imaginary movie roles for one another, and “pretend” this is actually #38. They also assess faith vis-à-vis the current problems facing the Catholic Church. Seriously.

Episode tags include:

• Boga: The Winged Taxi
• Crypt-Wipe
• French Eastern Europeans
• Irish Robot Soldiers
• Le Clerks
• Religion

This podcast contains the most laughter you'll hear outside of Channing Tatum's agents.'

One-Shot (11/04/10)

I like to make jokes about Christophe not being an active presence on the blog, but I'm eternally thankful for his continued presence in my day-to-day life. He's tops and we need more like him if this rock is gonna stay habitable.

One-Shot (10/04/10)

Sorry about the slight delay. Check it out; it's like "Super Cali" all over again!

One-Shot (09/04/10)

I've not seen much from the guy, but - if he can act - you could do worse than casting him as Kurt on looks alone.

One-Shot (08/04/10)

Recommending Scott Pilgrim to someone is great. Having them check it out and vindicate your recommendation is ice cold ice. Kudos, Ellie!

One-Shot (07/04/10)

My third CHUD DVD Review: this time, The Canyon!

One-Shot (06/04/10)

I haven't read The Runaways. However, based on a pitch like "The Breakfast Club with superheroes", I would agree with Devin's notion that Joss Whedon feels like a better fit to directed a movie version of that property than The Avengers.

One-Shot (05/04/09)

On Twitter, guardiantech asks "Has 'epic fail' finally jumped the shark?" Baby, that shark's long dead. Probably, everyone it held dear, too.

Oh yeah, are you following Us already? We like that sorta thing here.

One-Shot (04/03/10)

through being cool, my friend Ellie's blog, is all that mine isn't. Funny. Positive. Informative. Colourful. Relevant. Go, Ellie!

One-Shot (03/03/10)

SORRY. AGAIN. SEE BELOW. AGAIN.

One-Shot (02/03/10)

SORRY. SEE BELOW.

One-Shot (01/03/10)

GRANDILOQUENT VAGARIES & OTHER MISCELLANY IS EXPERIENCING DIFFICULTIES (SHOCKER!) BEST LEFT UNEXPLAINED. PLEASE, STAND BY.

One-Shot (31/03/10)

Where's a new episode of The CHUD Show when you need one?

One-Shot (30/03/10)

One thing that doesn't get said enough around here about sports - I wish those of you with no interest in any game or side knew how satisfying it feels when The Best Forward In The World Right Now (who plays for your team) puts you into the lead in the first minute, as Wayne Rooney has just done for Manchester United.

One-Shot (29/03/10)

I'm very much looking forward to The Hold Steady's new record, Heaven Is Whenever. If you love unabashed rock 'n roll that comes on like the best local pub band you never heard, you'd do well to mark May 3rd in whichever phone you now use instead of a diary. You know, because that's the kind of demographic we shoot for here at Low Standards for High Fives.

Hold Steady. New album. May 3rd. They're good.

One-Shot (28/03/10)

Another review.

One-Shot (27/03/10)

Worst Saturday ever. Woke up early. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Day's as directionless as a student film.

One-Shot (26/03/10)

I'm a fan.

One-Shot (25/03/10)

Well... I'm late. Sorry about that. I've been distracted (just ask Christophe!)

I have good news, though. "Euro-Talk: Mr. Ripley's Road Trip", the Best Back-Talk Episode Ever for my money, is now back to availability from our official web residence. Here's the description:

The episode affectionately referred to as Crisis On Infinite Back-Talks!

Christophe and Ian go to the movies for Back-Talk’s third special opus. Ian eviscerates Adventureland, seizing every opportunity to champion Hüsker Dü and Bob Mould in the process. What does it take to get Ian to see a Harry Potter movie? If united in a single body, would Rebecca Hall and Scarlett Johansson form a Quato-esque abomination or sexy superbeing? Somewhere amidst this feature-length chat are the answers to these and other questions, as well as the pitch for a superior breed of teen comedy.

Try to contain your excitement, please. This is a respectable place!

Oh, it's below as well. In case you don't feel like clicking the link. Don't mention it.

One-Shot (24/03/10)

Under normal circumstances, this One-Shot would be used to pimp the two new episodes of Back-Talk we released yesterday. However, that can't happen since someone else's stupidity means:

1. The site is down.
2. The venerable Christophe is currently trying to right things.
3. Argh.
   
4. Our best episode ever was released yesterday and less than a day later, we're decommissioned.

I'm even more sorry for having to apologize for something that isn't our fault than I am for the fact that we can't share our best stuff with "the world" because of another debacle beyond our control.

Sigh.

One-Shot (23/03/10)

One of my first acts as Mack Daddy of lsfhf's Twitter (yeah, that's how I do things) was announcing my desire to see Chris Evans square off against Hugo Weaving's Red Skull in The First Avenger: Captain America. Well, it's happening! This also means he's gonna be rubbing shoulders with R.D.J. et al in The Avengers, as well as donning those snappy Star Spangled threads in Joe Johnson's impending solo affair. If you don't understand why this is good news, re-watch both Fantastic Four's and Sunshine, then get back to me on that.

Via CHUD* the home of awesome.

* Of course.

A Reason To Be Cheerful

As I said to Christophe not long ago, I couldn't even say I dreamed of writing for CHUD.com one day because I simply didn't think of it that way. To me, it would've been like dreaming about what to buy Winona for our 6 month anniversary; it just didn't feel like something that should be dreamed about because, since it's likely never gonna happen, it's best not to get attached to the idea.

Well, today I offically started reviewing DVD's for CHUD.com. My first offering, an appraisal of the movie Good Dick, can be read here. For some time, CHUD's been my only daily port of call for movie news. And, though much maligned, their Forums are home to some of the finest, funniest discussions the web has to offer so it's no exaggeration to say that it's an absolute honour and privilege to contribute to what is without doubt my favourite website. Thanks to Nick, Eileen, Jeremy, Troy, and everyone else at CHUD for all their help and the opportunity to work with a wealth of talented writers and some of the coolest online film personalities around.

See ya in the Sewer!

One-Shot (22/03/10)

As the news of SModcast - sponsored by FleshLight - reaching episode #111 with "All Of Them Witches" arrived, I got to pondering - "what would be the most un-Carrie Bradshaw way of asking who would be the ideal sponsor for Back-Talk?"

Sony?
Magners Irish Cider?
Vice Magazine?
Capcom?
Kellog's?
Any major tobacco manufacturer?
Craig Bierko?

Who do you think would make a good sponsor for our little show?

One-Shot (22/03/10)

Sorry for keeping you. Been busy reveling in the glory of Manchester United's 2-1 triumph over the forces of Darkne-, sorry, "Liverpool." And being wound up by technology. Really wound up. If I didn't have such good self-control, there may well have been a bizarre spate of injuries caused by computers being ejected through windows.

One-Shot (20/03/10)

This wasn't the send off Croke Park deserved.

One-Shot (19/03/10)

We mustn't forget how good packages arriving in the mail can be at cheering us up.

One-Shot (18/03/10)

I could've kept playing and playing at football tonight. Scored 4 and justified those tongue-in-cheek "White Drogba" remarks from before...

One-Shot (17/03/10)

The defunct poll button may be gone, but the results and drive remain. You will have my All-Time Top 25 Sexiest List by year's end, at the latest.

# 29 - Here (And Back Again)

"Thus, In Ireland, the problem of being a writer was in a very specific sense a linguistic problem. But it was also a political problem."
- Seamus Deane

"It's not easy being green."
- Kermit the Frog

--

Unless you write letters to Superbad congratulating "him" on the time he drunkenly headbutted that one chick, you're probably aware that tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. For most of you, this will mean one thing and one thing only: re/connecting with your inner "Irishness", regardless of whether or not you're from the Emerald Isle or connected to it on any level. Translation: you will remake Watchmen with yourself as Malin Akerman and alcohol as Patrick Wilson's penis. Well, as Joe Public and everyone he knows surrender any remaining autonomy by drinking themselves into oblivion tomorrow, all in the name of Ireland, I don't expect I'll be joining them.

Tomorrow, as with the other 364 days in the year, I expect I'll be preoccupied by something other than where the cheapest green Guinness can be found. That's Northern Ireland for you. Yes, as anyone familiar with me, this blog, and its podcast offspring will know, I am from Belfast. Depending on who you speak to, that's either "Belfast, Ireland" or "Belfast, Northern Ireland." In my case... well, it's somewhere in-between.

You see, for someone from a Protestant background, festivities like St. Patrick's Day are traditionally met with certain reactions. On the softer end of the scale, this means polite indifference or apathy. The other extreme involves wadding petrol-soaked sheets into a bottle and wondering where that darn lighter got to.

Much has been made in recent years of the great progress made in the Peace Process Here. This is not entirely unfounded. Stormont, the Northern Ireland Assembly, has returned and, though less than stable, has recently delivered the devolution of policing and justice to the Province (just about.) The last 18 months or so have seen a Roll Call of paramilitary assmasters putting their arms beyond use. Moreover, the mood "on the ground" is one of - to invoke Chasing Amy in a discussion of the Irish Question - "a more tolerant age." Football tops are less a walking bullseye than they once were and Irish heritage, traditionally a mainstay of the Catholic element of the community, has enjoyed a raised profile culturally (witness the rise of Irish language TV shows such as Blas Ceoil and the almost perfectly named Seacht.)

As is so often the case in this part of the world though, these achievements have been tarnished by a number of tragedies. A year ago this month, the attack on Massereene army barracks that resulted in the deaths of two British soldiers brought into sharp focus the threat still posed by dissident Republicans. Constable Peadar Heffron, the Irish speaking, Catholic captain of the PSNI's GAA team, lost a leg in a car bomb attack some months ago. More recently, an attempt was made to resurrect a Loyalist paramilitary faction. Apparently, all you need to do this is put "The real..." before the old title, like some sort of rubbish Ghost Busters.

And on and on.

Yesterday, the cover of the Belfast Telegraph caught my eye (see above.) Apologies for the picture quality. Webcam job.

Here are the salient stats from the poll behind the story:

* More people described themselves as Irish (42%) than British (39%.)
* 18% identify themselves as Northern Irish.
* 42% think that Northern Ireland will still be part of the U.K. in 2021, the centennial of the Province.
* 42% think the opposite.
* One in four Protestants (24%) said that they think Ireland will be united by 2021.
* 55% believe Northern Ireland should remain within the U.K.
* The poll suggests the Republic's economic woes influenced the current opinion towards reunification.

Perhaps the most interesting figure of all is also the clearest: nationality matters to 88% of people polled. At least, we seem to agree on that much.

What does this all mean, then? According to Maurice Hayes and Linda Beers, two contributors to the story at hand, nothing very encouraging. A continuation of the existing status quo. More of the same. There are those who find this stuff important while many young people don't.

It's been a long time since these issues didn't matter to me, but I still remember what it felt like. Even if I could recapture that, I wouldn't want to. Despite all the pain and uncertainty that the identity crisis this place can give someone, I'd take that over blindly getting poleaxed because the calendar tells me to any day. The same goes for giving someone a kicking because of the colour of their passport.

Maybe, we've been going about it all wrong. Maybe we shouldn't be so concerned about red, white, and blue or green, white, and gold. Maybe, to paraphrase a classic Gretzkyism, we shouldn't worry about where we came from as much as where we're going. If we keep going the way we are, we could have bigger problems than filling in nationality questionnaires.

--

Ian Pratt is split over his future existence, too. He does wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day, though (Beannacht Lá Fhéile Pádraig!) It's all about moderation.

Sources:
The Belfast Telegraph, Linda Beers; Adrian Rutherford and Maurice Hayes.
"Joyce the Irishman." Seamus Deane.

One-Shot (16/03/10)

Back-to-Back-Talked today. Christophe brought the funny; I brought myself.

If you know a better way to spend an afternoon than critiquing Patrick Stewart's career, fancasting a fatsuited Christopher Morris in your sitcom, and being REALLY meta, I'd like to hear it.

One-Shot (15/03/10)

Brown sauce is to ham and cheese toasties what Darren Fletcher is to Man United: the most valuable unsung hero.

One-Shot (14/03/10)

Hi. You may remember me from such blogs as Grandiloquent Vagaries & Other Miscellany and Back-Talk, the podcast offshoot of said blog.

If so, you'll be familiar with One-Shots, the backbone of my posts. These stand-alone missives are often used as a means of conveying otherwise sprawling, amorphous thoughts into snack form. Something I'm still waiting for credit for since I started doing these before Twitter exploded, by the way. But that's beside the point. The point is I usually dedicate these to the arrival of a new podcast or sporting event, but today I get to do something new and very cool.

Ellie is my friend and you must follow her blog, Through Being Cool. If you don't, I'm going to use this blog to cross promote hers so it'll be like you're following her anyway.

Good luck in the blogverse, Ellie. Even though your chosen title misleads, it's still great to have you around.

One-Shot (13/03/10)

Ireland's #13 celebrating his 100th cap with a victory over Wales - on the 13th - is more fitting than a Mötley Crüe comdom.

One-Shot (12/03/10)

Sold. Now, all that remains is to give Chris Evans the Star Spangled shield and have done with it.

One-Shot (11/03/10)

It's not complicated. He or she is either with someone else or they aren't. Same goes for you. Semantic redundancy fixed.

Next.

One-Shot (10/03/10)

Pavement are great. Find out more thusly...

One-Shot (09/03/10)

Allow me to take this opportunity to turn today's One-Shot into the latest in a long line of podcast endorsements. To be fair, I'll be doing it whether or not you permit it. That, people, is power itself. Which brings me (finally) to the point: most people get excited about the Oscars for the glitz; some of us, however, get excited for a different reason - a CHUD Show Oscar Special!

One-Shot (08/03/10)

Who says illiteracy is not a laughing matter?

At least, that note's author inadvertently stumbled upon a killer tag-line for the probably inevitable Back To The Future remake.

One-Shot (07/03/10)

Though still a fledgling show, I actually fist-pumped and said "yes!" when I discovered the existence of Tell 'Em, Steve Dave Episode #2: "Et tu, Fanboy?" That's as much a reflection of the hilariousness of Bry and Walt as the crumminess of my weekend.

Underlying theme: drinking doesn't necessarily help.

One-Shot (06/03/10)

For the second week in a row, a Saturday (foreshadowing) One-Shot has arrived late* because I was busy drinking. Let it not be said that our stereotype quotient isn't met.

Pet-Peeve of the Moment:
Someone tells somebody else why something, anything can't happen. The recipient of this information responds "it's ok; don't worry!" excitedly/sarcastically (usually, whilst snickering like a tool) as though the bearer of said news (usually, me) is on the point of complete breakdown. Don't flatter yourself, toolbag. I'm just the messenger and you matter about as much to me as lyrics matter to the Saturdays (payoff?)

* Sorry about that, by the way.

One-Shot (05/03/10)

Rachel Nichols, she of dazzling G.I. Joe-based Scarlett hotness, being cast in the upcoming Conan flick and said movie rocketing towards the top of my must-see list aren't coincidental occurrences.

One-Shot (04/03/10)

With little more than a strained question and shake of the head, the dental receptionist revealed a long, sorry history of employee disharmony.

One-Shot (03/02/10)

Made up porn title of the day: Be Coming, Jane.

One-Shot (02/03/10)

"Snitches get stitches."

Words to live by those.

One-Shot (01/03/10)

Certain tracks ("Black Wave/Bad Vibrations" and "The Well and the Lighthouse" particularly) from the Arcade Fire's Neon Bible would make excellent unconventional horror movie soundtrack choices.

One-Shot (28/02/10)

Wanna laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time? Don't mention it.

One-Shot (27/02/10)

Sorry about the delay. What? You didn't think I'd pass up the chance to report on Ireland's victory over England yesterday just because I wasn't in, did you?

Come on Ireland!

One-Shot (26/02/10)

March's Empire magazine contains a feature on actors undeserving of Oscar denial. It lists Zach Galifianakis (for The Hangover) and Peter Capaldi (for In The Loop) amongst these names. This is the reason why I consider not getting the magazine anymore and why I continue to read it, respectively.

One-Shot (25/02/10)

Today sees the release of another trailer for A Nightmare On Elm Street, the film that looks set to bridge the gap between good remakes like Evil Dead/Evil Dead II and Gus Van Sant's Psycho.

The good news is that it's a big step up on the truly woeful first trailer (which I'm deliberately not linking to.) It does a much better job of building a suitably menacing atmosphere and masking the amount of overly-familiar moments it seems to have to the original (bath bother, unwanted levitation.)

The "micronaps" guy has a serious, most likely intentional, hint of the Pattinson's about him. I'm not feeling Haley's voice at all. The "no, just me" was so Rorschach it sucked me right out of it. This was even worse than usual, as I was really enjoying it up 'til then. That kind of gruffness worked for that character, but it just seems really overblown for this sort of role. Too "scary badman" by far.

One-Shot (25/02/10)

You can't get it on iTunes. You can't get it from the PlayStation Store. Either they really want me to fork out for the BD/DVD or they're trying to drum the obvious into me.

I'm talking about Halloween 2, of course.

One-Shot (24/02/10)

You have more chance of successfully defending Hitler, Stalin, and Gordon Brown combined online than you do with Kevin Smith.

One-Shot (23/02/10)

Sorry I'm late. I was so busy co-ordinating with Chris to bring you the second Back-Talk special, Josh-Talk: The Metro Station Question, that I temporarily forgot to blog. I hope this mammoth podcast that ranges from political to personal matters and back again (by way of unsolicited homosexual advances) goes some way to atoning for the wait.

One-Shot (22/02/10)

Today's announcement that Mark Strong, Lord Boreington in this winter's Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Interest, has joined the cast of the highly anticipated Green Lantern is not good news. Not even for people who like bad news.

No, that's not a Modest Mouse reference I tried to shoehorn in. Not that I don't admire some of their work. I just don't Gett Off on wedging references to music I like into posts.

Anyway, Green Lantern - good. Mark Snore.

One-Shot (21/02/10)

Biffy Clyro aren't cool, apparently. If you start a thread about them in a forum's music section there's an excellent chance of tumbleweeds. That doesn't mean they don't have a few fistfuls of great songs, though.

One-Shot (20/02/10)

Not what I'd call a stretch, but fine nonetheless.

One-Shot (19/02/10)

Door's always open, Ron.

One-Shot (18/02/10)

Everyone too busy Tweeting fat jokes over the last week should take an hour and a half to listen to SModcast #106. Not that it'll make a button of difference for most of them anyway.

One-Shot (17/02/10)

Jack Whitehall sucks. If Andy Parsons and Topman had a baby, essentially.

One-Shot (16/02/10)

The President's Neck Is Missing: Team Back-Talk assembles to solve a particularly alarming mystery.

One-Shot (15/02/10)

Back-Talk, this blog's podcast, will be releasing a series of specials, in addition to regular episodes, from here on out. The first of these, a Valentine's Day Special, was recorded yesterday.

Back-Talk presents...

Love-Talk: Potato Trackstar

Listeners unaccustomed to candid pedophile, rape, and serial-killer discussion are advised to consume this podcast with extreme caution.

One-Shot (14/02/10)

9 hour shift on Valentine's Day. Sought out Halloween II (2009) on break. Questioned sanity (alone.)

One-Shot (13/02/10)

While others are talking about their proposed weekend plans, I am thinking about how best to acquire Halloween II. Not the original, nurse-scalding, Pleasence-sporting Halloween II... Rob Zombie's Halloween II.

What happened to me?

One-Shot (12/02/10)

This week's Question Time came from Belfast, home to myself and many other disgruntled citizens. Something else we're known for - sarcasm - is in bountiful evidence during the show. Witness the open hostility between Jim Allister and Gerry Kelly, culminating in the latter's deployment of the phrase "political dinoasur."

Get your laugh on right here.

One-Shot (11/02/10)

On recent evidence, I'd be entitled to say "this blog is in danger of becoming a podcast blog." I won't, though, because this is far from a bad thing.

One-Shot (10/02/10)

EdHocken's eponymous podcast demands your ears. Here resides Episode 2.

One-Shot (09/02/10)

New Back-Talk.

One-Shot (08/02/10)

The first of the SModcasts I mentioned yesterday, "Alpha Male & Beta Boy", is great. "Better to reign in the sex dungeon..." is one of my all-time favourite unfinished sentences.

One-Shot (07/02/10)

I can easily gauge how busy I am. There are now two SModcasts I haven't listened to yet.

One-Shot (06/02/10)

We simply don't live in a world where I don't link to an Ireland victory.

One-Shot (05/02/10)

If there's a game out there (any game... ever) that doesn't have an online option marred by the cheapest of cheap players, I'm yet to play it. Latest offender: FIFA 10.

One-Shot (04/02/10)

This blog has a podcast, in case you've managed to miss that. It's called Back-Talk and two new episodes were released yesterday. They can both be found here.

A good friend of and contributor to Back-Talk, Ed Hocken, now has his own podcast. The Ed Hocken Show's great first episode can be found here.

One-Shot (03/02/10)

Sometimes it's better not to finish a movie (Jason X.) Others, it most definitely is. Don't let the boring opening fool you; All The Boys Love Mandy Lane belongs in the latter camp.

One-Shot (02/02/10)

New SModcast layout, how I love thee. In case there's any doubt left, I consider promoting a new SMod in much the same way as I might "pimping" a friend's play or Girl Scout cookie drive. The more folks to listen to and fall in love with this show the better.

One-Shot (01/02/10: B)

Like any right-minded individual, I saw the word "Ghost" and automatically expected Ghost Rider 2: I Still Got One Last Ride In Me info. However, the article I found in its stead didn't prove too bad after all. The idea of Brosnan as a movie ex-Prime Minister just works and Kim Cattrall further cements her cougar credentials.

One-Shot (01/02/10: A)

Idlewild's 100 Broken Windows has aged rather well. It also reminded me that sometimes it's best never to see a video. It's not bad, just nothing special.

One-Shot (31/01/10)

As we say in Belfast, "YEOOOO!!!"

One-Shot (30/01/10)

The only people old enough to laugh at this trailer shouldn't be watching a red-band trailer.

One-Shot (29/01/10)

I'm not sure when it happened, but Aliens has become one of nerd-dom's favourite "surprise hate" movies. This is as illegitimate as it is irrelevant. No film which has Paul Reiser devourment can suck.

One-Shot (28/01/10)

city are a massive club.

One-Shot (27/01/10)

Time was, I would've largely agreed with the sentiment of the first sentence from this article. That said, I think I'd like to see Alice In Wonderland now, on the off-chance that there's a return to form. Emphasis on the off.

One-Shot (26/01/10)

The guy with the machine gun tracksuit bottoms. That's the sentence. The guy with the machine gun tracksuit bottoms.

One-Shot (25/01/10)

Essential listening.

One-Shot (24/01/10)

There is such a thing as being over-prepared.

One-Shot (23/01/10)

I suppose I "get it", but I don't want to get it.

One-Shot (22/01/10)

I love dating site adverts. One caveat: if you think someone making crumbs in bed is a problem, you need to dictionary "problem" immediately.

One-Shot (21/01/10)

So it's come to pass. It's 100% my love of the character talking, but even this isn't enough to ward me off the flick.

One-Shot (20/01/10)

The Play Station Store's film rental section is impressive and renting from it is fun, but waiting for your download to complete feels like waiting for yer man Godot. And don't bother playing whilst downloading, unless you're prone to taking minutely pauses.

One-Shot (19/01/10)

There's potential here. Though, I'm reliably informed that My Name is Bruce isn't all that good, I hope this latest opus goes well so that my own pet project, Bruce Campbell Vs. Kimbo Slice Vs. The Sea, gets a shot.

One-Shot (19/01/10)

What could be better than going back to SModcast H.Q. to find a new episode after a long wait? Finding two new episodes and a class-act new H.Q. The first of said episodes, "SMocast #101: Hot for Scott the Sex Astronaut" is a hoot, by the way.

One-Shot (18/01/10)

Weird; I had a conversation with this blog's phantom other half Christophe* recently that, essentially, amounted to that article.

* Just messin' witcha, bud.