One-Shot (06/10/09)

FIFA 10 plays almost identically to FIFA 09. Naysayers, hold your naying. While it's hardly strange for two football games (especially, two successive titles in the same series) to be similar, the Pro Evolution Soccer titles of the early 00's on the PlayStation 2 were markedly different from their predecessors, building on the already impressive game template, tweaking old problems, and adding great new features. What any good game sequel should do, essentially. In this case, I just don't see that.

One-Shot (07/04/09)

After winding up a particularly unpleasant online FIFA encounter - during which my opponent can best be described as a cunnyfunt - I had the misfortune of catching a brief glimpse of 'Loose Women.' Shit. No no, shite. Scratch that, shoite. The topic I briefly suffered through - fast food.

First, one of those who should be old enough to know better mentioned an erroneous claim that a convenience chain's salad was recently proven to be unhealthier than its burgers. After being debunked by the hot blonde one (it was the salad cream, apparently), said "person" uttered the following:

"Why don't we just shut all the fast food places down and set up grocery stores like we used to 'ave in't old days."

Fuck me spacebound. Incompetence, like obesity, can be a choice.

Also, come on United.

One-Shot (26/03/09)

I don't trust myself to leave this post 'til after slumber. My predominantly pissy mood means you know it makes sense. Now, watch the appeal of this series flat-line once again as I regale you with yet more FIFA tales. On Tuesday night, I played Dave in a a trio of online showdowns. The first and final clashes were enjoyable, but the second bested all. The game: Derry City (Ireland) vs F.C. Vaduz (Switzerland).

Can you guess my team?

Person/s, I cannot stress enough the magnificence of this encounter. If you need your life re-affirmed, get it done. There's, truly, nothing like the sight of two One-Star rated teams hacking the sportsmanship out of one another while goalkeepers try to score and defenders run the ball into their own net. I haven't laughed so much since Bill Hader.

One-Shot (20/03/09)

Call of Duty: World At War is hard as balls on Hardened.* Shocking, right? You know Treyarch are taking the piss when cover is anything but and enemy bullets are swift and plentiful. A challenge is fun but nuts to that. I wasn't really in the mood to play it after waiting for the latest lengthy download to finish, anyway. That's the truth, not an excuse. See if you can guess what I did instead:

1. Caught up on Sky+'d 'Gilmore Girls.'
2. Wept.
3. Whacked FIFA 09 in.

If you answered No. 3... congratulations; you "know da score." Speaking of which, how about me coming from two-nil down to win 3-2 on penalties against that American guy? Oh, that's right. No-one cares (though, Big Zlatan's 25 odd yard free kick was different gravy.) How many football or football game related posts will it take to make the non-sportos reading care? Subscribe and find out!**

* No, no boner jokes. Not today.
** Dare you stay away when knob jokes will surely return. No, you daren't.

One-Shot (04/03/09): Belfast Picture Tour, Part 1

Rather than pass comment on what films I watched yesterday (the end of the great Carlito's Way, 1408 in all its underwhelming entirety), and my continued online antics on FIFA 09 (Derry City aren't bad at all), I'm finally kick-starting this long-held idea for a series. It's all in the name: Belfast City through the eyes of Ian. Some snaps may be accompanied by text, some (like the one above) speak for themselves. Not that it'll stop me commenting.

I'll not say Belfast is short on writers, but - on this evidence - it's easy to feel alone. Ideas on what the symbolic significance of those dumpsters might be are welcome below. Alone, incidentally, isn't something I'd recommend being in Garfield Street come nightfall. Sure, it's got a cuddly name, and it's just off Royal Avenue, mere seconds away from some of the most trafficed areas in the city centre. But what lurks in this shaded enclave post shutter-time is best left unknown. Or so I was told around the time I frequented it on the way home from work. Yeah, I'm "hard."*

That's St. Anne's Cathedral (Church of Ireland) looking resplendent as ever, in the distant Donegall Street. As for the graffiti, if you hope it's Teenage Mutant Ninja Aliens, you're not alone.

*Not like that.

20 - Anatomy Of A Hat-Trick

-or- Get Hi 2: Hier and Hier*

Now, in an Ian Dreams Exclusive, Chris Kamara interviews The Ginger One on his FIFA 09 online career.

Chris Kamara - "Ian, you've got off to an unbelievable three-game winning streak on FIFA 09. Has it sunk in yet?"

Ian - "I've been building up to this for months, trying to stay sharp and keep my eye on doing the job on the park. Yesterday, that's what I did. So yes, I'm very happy."

Chris Kamara - "That's an unbelievable understatement, Ian. First, you did the business with Bayern Munich in an unbelievable 2-0 win against your pal David's Barcelona. Then, an unbelievable win with Northern Ireland over England on penalties. What did that double mean to you?"

Ian - "More than words. Our win over England in 2005 was one of the highlights of my life. Achieving that result myself was little short of life-affirming."

Chris - "It wasn't all plain sailing was it, though? Dave put up an unbelievable challenge!"

Ian - "Absolutely, Chris. I was under no illusions going into the game how tough it was gonna be. But I said to myself - to all the boys in that dressing room - we go out there and we do it for Ulster. We go out there and beat them for every scrote from Ballymena to Ballyhackamore... for everyone with nothing but football in their hearts, and we did. They became men last night, those boys."

Chris - "What about your unbelievable first Northern Ireland league game against the mysterious challenger hynsebollox? Your fledgling Munich team were under the cosh in the first half, and went one - nil down to his unbelievable Inter Milan side. Did you ever think you might have met your match?"

Ian - "I knew, immediately, I was dealing with a serious contender, but my determination was constant. Once bollox scored, he grew complacent. That was our way back into the match. He became hasty, misplacing simple passes and so on. Identifying this, I pegged him back with constant pressure; I crafted patient, clear chances, while he snapped wildly at shots. Once I equalized, the game was mine. His panic proved to be his undoing."

Chris - "You famously caused a sensation when you transferred from Pro Evolution Soccer to FIFA, back in December. A lot of people wondered whether you might need a while to adapt. What do you say to those people now?"

Ian - "Three wins out of three speaks for itself. We're a young team, still learning, but we've sent a very clear message to our competitors, both North and South, that there's a new force in Irish football."

Chris - "Totally unbelievable. Unbelievable unbelievable unbelievable, unbelievably. Unbelievable?"

Ian - "I think that's a fair assessment."

Chris - "Thank you, Ian."

Ian - "Thanks. Well done."

--

* Non-football fans, get ready to skip!