If you aren't already doing so, you should start following Patrick Kielty's Twitter.
Restaurant tonight in Ireland. Waitress "We have 4 veg this evening - Boiled potatoes, mash, garlic wedges or chips."
Note to Israeli Special Forces - I've seen worse provocation on the ferry back to Belfast after an Old Firm Game.
9.15am. Glasgow Airport. Dozen men in bar with kilts and T shirts "Gynaecologist at your Cervix" Must be a smear test conference in Ibiza.
and let's not forget this election classic...
Have voted for the first time outside Northern Ireland - just not the same fun without armed soldiers guarding the polling station.
It's so funny, in fact, that it's worth signing up to Twitter just to follow.