18 - Review: Friday The 13th

Knowing full well what his response would be, I asked my brother if he fancied going to see Friday The 13th with me. He immediately informed me that he had no such intention. Seeing this likely generic, tiresome horror film would be a waste of his and my time. He, for one, wouldn't loose sleep wondering what he's missing.

He was right. Friday The 13th is an average horror film. It boasts a few good scares, routine terror, and everything else you can find at the local unemployment office. Within that bracket, it inches towards the upper end of the scale. A bit like a terrified teen grasping for freedom from a masked madman's underground lair, as a lame movie reviewer might say. And just like the archetypal Horror Teen, it doesn't make it.

The film benefits greatly from a balls to the wall, "let's throw it all in there" approach. A bit like what Rob Zombie tried to do with Halloween, before he bottled it and started remaking the original half-way through, Van Sant-style. The fanboy friendly script delivers the Quintessential Friday premise - kids come to the woods to party, they perish - and gives it the Platinum Dunes face-lift care of director Marcus Nispel (Pathfinder.)

An admirable effort is made to generate empathy with the soon to be destroyed. Thanks to some good work by Jared Padalecki ("Supernatural"), Amanda Righetti (Role Models), and Danielle Panabaker (Sky High), it's not phsically impossible to care for (some of) the victimized. On the flip side, the splendidly contemptable "Jock" Travis Van Winkle and "Hussy" Julianna Guill are fun to watch fornicate and pay for it.

As a slasher movie, in the classic pre-Scream sense, is a porn movie with "cum shots" swapped for annihilations, the build up patter is crucial. Here, the script falls short of delivering both the desired level of pre-wipeout blue balls* and tension. Like 'Next Generation'-era Star Trek** movies, you can tell where you're supposed to be laughing, but you aren't. Writers Damien Shannon and Marks Swift & Wheaton clearly have great reverence for the genre. Unfortunately, they commit that classic football mistake - showing too much respect. The result is the flat, occasionally stilted dialogue of Bad Exploitation Movies. And not in the good, Planet Terror way. Still, there's enough graphic sex to ensure the only blue balls viewers have will be figurative.***

Kudos are deserved for the arrival of a genuinely menacing, credible Jason Voorhees. Not saying much given the competition granted, but Derek Mears sets a new benchmark for the modern horror icon. Whoever dons Freddy Kreuger's tatty fedora in the impending A Nightmare On Elm Street has his work cut out (snort snort.)

So Friday isn't any great shakes. But if you want to see beautiful, promiscuous kids slaughtered in a stylish package, (and let's face it, what well adjusted person doesn't?) it'll do rightly. If you want to be one step ahead of said teens from start to finish, anticipating every gouge, dismemberment, and "twist", this is your flick. There's nothing new for you here but, when conventions are used this competently, who cares, right? Not the horror franchise apologists and hormonal upstarts sure to bankroll Part 2 by flocking en masse, anyway. Ultimately, this is their movie, and they'll have a blast.

Friday The 13th won't convert any horror abstainers, but it could be a great gateway flick to the really good stuff for the curious. It's OK, you won't lose any sleep over this one either.

See it: to get your sick rocks off for 90 minutes.
Don't see it: because this sort of tripe, not bad parenting/blood, is to blame for our kids going off the rails.
Ranking: 6/10 (Ensign.)

* Surely, the most beloved phrase of this blog?
** Trekkers/Trekkie's, look out for "DS9's" Nana Visitor as Jason's ma!
*** See?

N.B. Picture from this month's excellent, horrortastic Empire. Go buy!

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Ian Pratt chi chi chi... ha ha ha.