19 - Review: Punisher: War Zone

*SPOILER ALERT*

If you don't wanna know who dies, don't think about this film.

Did you like Rambo? If your answer is anything other than "yeaaah, boy! Dat was tiiight", or words to that effect, I'll understand if you don't proceed any further. Punisher: War Zone is a movie for every 14 year old with a hard on for human extinction. Fitting really, as it has all the subtlety of a boner in a supermarket queue. For example, what does the Punisher do to a helpless henchman? What anyone holding a child would; blast his head off with a shotgun at point-blank range.*

"Vengeance has a name", according to the tag-line. On this evidence, Ray Stevenson's Punisher deserves to become the principal definition for the term from now on. Did remorse and restraint leave his vocabulary a long time ago? Baby, they weren't there to begin with. Frank Castle lives to murder, and he enforces his unique brand of justice with all the glee of a sex-starved traffic warden.

Wisely, Punisher: War Zone follows The Incredible Hulk's lead by shepherding much of the necessary back-story into the opening credits. A smart move, as only fans of the character and movie carnage in general will be seeing this. The Mob kills Frank Castle's family. He kills them back. That's your lot, plot-fans. Drama is a non-entity throughout. Instead, director Lexi Alexander treats us to a whistle stop tour of pantomime New York's destruction, one hired goon at a time. Agents with names like Budianski square up to one another while "Krispy Kreme" cops spout off about internal affairs and such. So bad it's fun? You bet. To its credit, War Zone flaps its black-hearted comic book credentials out for all to see**. Where else could a deathfest as momentous as this film's climax be police-proofed by calling in "a fireworks permit?"

Bad guys can save a film like this. Dominic West and Doug Hutchison understand this. They also understand that without a couple of insane performances, this film would be an unmitigated disaster. Both actors had as much fun working here as I did watching them. As Billy "The Beaut" and James "Loony Bin Jim" Russoti respectively, they do all the heavy lifting. For their troubles, they walk off with the film. West, in particular, both pre-and-post Jigsaw transformation, is so distractingly awfulgreat that he must be seen to be believed. Ever wondered how an R-Rated, psychopathic Fat Tony would roll? Wonder no more. Narcissistic misogyny hasn't been this funny since Pat Bateman.

There's no way I of all people could end a review of this film without mentioning Maginty, the Irish/American/Jamaican leader of Jigsaw's "Urban Freeflow Gang" (translation: acrobat Punisher target-practice.) The sight of one his subordinates being vaporized mid-leap by a surface to air rocket is worth the price of admission (and possibly the eventual Blu-ray) alone.

Watch it: to see a hard-as-balls Northern Irishman knock a few zeros off America's criminal population.
Don't watch it: because when someone says "Heat", you think Jodi Marsh, not Tom Sizemore.
Ranking: 5.5 (Amusingly Disposable Crewman.)

* Making the movie a sure-shot for this year's "Outstanding Contribution to Smouldering Head Stumps" Award.
** And you thought there wouldn't be any more phallic imagery?!

N.B. Excellent pic from The Best Of Wizard Basic Training: How To Draw Volume 1. Go buy!

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Ian Pratt hopes Rambo Vs The Martians will be next year's obligatory Spring Action Romp.